Reflection

I just started a book about making a living at your art, whatever that is for you. It is part inspiration and part guided program. The author and her husband manage to make art and put their children through school through their talents and concerted efforts.

It made me think. This journal was to help track my thoughts and feelings about photography and my development. It strikes me that an artist's development is interconnected with new information, new insight, new skills, hey - deeper skills. The questions and goals set as a student, as an artist, change and those more than anything reflect that growing development. Mine have changed. What I see and what I want for myself as a photographer has changed. I know I want more - more skills, knowledge, experience. I have been fed and it has brought sustenance that has also brought on a greater hunger. I felt very driven at the beginning to "get things done". I've consciously worked to slow myself down and take the time to delve into the assignments. Scheduling assignments approximately every two weeks kept me on course to not get ahead of myself and take that time to shoot often and lots. This pacing was very helpful for managing that revving. Setting do-able goals and finishing projects. Very satisfying to complete projects knowing I gave them my best attention.

Speaking of new skills - critiquing is definitely new. At the beginning of the semester in January, I had no idea really how to critique other people's work. I knew when the image made an impact on my senses in a pleasing or a powerful way. But I didn't really know how to talk about why or how. Now, I look at a shot and assess better - how busy the shot is, did the artist "edit", could it be simpler, how is it framed, does the angle add or subtract, what about texture, color palate, as well as the overall emotional impact it makes. I am still learning how to describe what works and doesn't for me. For such a talkative person, I feel a bit shy about voicing what doesn't work because I know I feel strongly and sensitively about my own pictures. I have to admit when I see a picture that seems to lack thought, I am a little annoyed. I think -- did you take lots of pictures or did you take one and it seemed to satisfy the assignment. It tells a story - a lack of thought and depth in the approach.

I see it in pictures -- 1 or 2 will be right on the rest will be just so much vaguer attempts. Did they get bored? Did they just not understand in their bones what to do? Or, sigh, were they "lazy" and give up. This thought is what makes me upset. Giving up this way in front of classmates denotes a lack of respect for us and our attention to their work. It really is a lack of respect of themselves too. I could have this very wrong. I know it is a reflection of my own self. My fear that either I will give up or that my classmates won't respect my efforts.

It's judgmental and I know I err in that direction because I take hundreds of pictures before I select the ones for the assignment. I think, I ponder, I experiment. It is quality and quantity that develops skill and eye and taste - that I hope is developing and enriching mine. There may not be a "there" "there", but I know that my "there" has matured some over these past months.

This semester is almost over. My first "year" of photography almost over. I feel this impact. I feel I've learned so much. My eyes have been opened. My love for photography has grown and I'm thrilled to "have found" how wonderful a companion it is.

Taking stock: I've completed all except 1 assignment and turned in 3 of 5 observations. The 12 hour for me is May 10 in the Marin Headlands with a classmate. I have always loved looking at and planning course loads. I want to take 3 classes but realistically it may boil down to 1. I want to be in a show in the fall and if I'm cast, my time will be more limited. I am looking to direct a short film and it may also happen in the fall - another time limiter, another thing that will split my attention. I am more fully going after what I want to be and do in my life because I finally know more what it is I do want to do. There is only so much time and resources so the number of those things vary from quarter to quarter.

If I had all the time in the world and energy - I'd be a full time photography student as well as performing in a few shows a year (theater) and making about 2-4 shorts as well. Very ambitious. Since January, I held a part time job, took 1 photography class, cast, acted in, and spent 4 out of 6 days on the set being a PA and 2nd AD (very cool). I also had bronchitis and a fair amount of naps.

For Fall Semester, this is my ambitious plan: the color dynamics class inspired from my color assignment, Beginning Pro (A then maybe B); audition for (and do?) Spelling Bee. Up in the air as well is whether the DP I want for my film project is interested and available (hopefully for July/Aug for shoots).

I will make it all sort of fit together -- probably no more than 3 major things at a time - work, a class (Pro), and the show (then the film) or vice versa. See I'm planning for the Fall (not the fall of my sanity hopefully).

In the meantime - summer. Rest, rejuvenation and planning.

I started class last Fall with the hopes of developing a few skills to take better portraits. I was in a rush. Nothing like Photo 10 to slow all that down. A very challenging class. It lay a foundation for A&D - a very different stretch. Photography has taken on a new and different life within.

Now I am interested in so much more. I have stepped onto this path that gives me such great personal satisfaction. It absorbs me and challenges me. I need others and like to be with others when I shoot and look at photos. I like the support and the other perspectives which grow my own. I certainly have a greater sense of awe and respect for the art form.

I will always want more. More doesn't describe the quality of what it is I want more of. I want my pictures to evoke thought and feeling, not just be funny or cute or "that's a nice shot". They are a vehicle to share the world. I want my pictures to be art now.

I know "more" includes really mastering technical skills. It means behaving with professionalism and respect for others. Here's an example that became a double edged sword. I got a gig shooting a theatrical headshot. I scouted a location, brought my camera already to go, brought personal focus, and showed up on time with my rolling bag. The actor, my client, was a little late, seemed also prepared. But he wasn't. He wasn't entirely clear what he wanted (which is ok, it's a process). But he also said that he slept most of the day and that he was afraid his eyes were too puffy. Now I know as an actor, we're vain and very self-conscious because our looks are part of the talent package. I was bothered however that he didn't get enough rest, use tea bags to bring down the puffiness or whatever and then complain about it. He didn't plan for his session. This in my mind lacks the readiness and focus of someone who is serious and professional and has their eye on the ball.

This is why some actors do not succeed. The lack of respect for what needs to happen to help themselves to be successful.

I shot for about an hour. Probably honestly much longer and more photos than were needed but we were both enjoying ourselves. He was very complimentary and appreciative and insisted on paying me (which was nice!). I got home and reviewed 152 photos. I narrowed my favorites down to about 50 (still a lot to choose from for a headshot). I sent them off to him. Honestly, I was very pleased and thought there were may he could use. Really I was thrilled and personally thought -- I've never been presented with so many that I could use of for myself. I hoped he'd be as pleased.

After looking at them, he chose one that he said he could use. One. Not even the one that made him seem most alive or charming or intense. It was OK. He looked nice. And he said that his eyes were too puffy in most of the pictures. Huh.

He did say that I did a very good job taking them and the light was very good (that was nice) - very professional. (This is nice but a bit of a cold comfort for my efforts, I thought).

Honestly, I am disappointed that he felt that way. This is unprofessional of me. Right? It's not personal. But you see it is very personal to me right now. His pictures were about him; not about my acumen. My skills whatever they are are in service of the job and what he wants and likes.

A part of me was angry too. I felt he showed up unprepared and wasted our time with his puffy eyes. I say that because he knew at the outset that it was an issue for and sure enough he had the feedback in the pictures. (I still think that there were many that conveyed so much more than "puffy eyes" about him - and that's what a casting director cares about - the whole package.) What he saw was a flaw. What I saw was color and texture and shape and light as well as this interesting person who was quite photogenic and expressive despite, imperfect skin, un-dyed roots, a weak chin and eyes that had a little puffiness.

Clients. Perhaps I am not ready for them. I think I will still be pursuing them though. I learned a lot from that session and a little bit of money for the efforts is nice too.

That's it for now.....